Saturday, November 13, 2010

Missing Angels(long and sad post)

I had great plans to do more blogging this week, but I've been dealing with some personal stuff and just haven't been in a happy blogging mood. I am in that state I always end up during this time of year. Happy that the Holidays are here, but seriously missing 3 very important people in my life.

My daddy, who died when I was 9. I will always remember the day he passed away. I remember waking up and my aunt being there and telling me that my grandma was coming to town that day because my dad wasn't doing good. He was diabetic and had been since he was a child. I went to school and came home and no sign of my mom. She later came home and told me the news. The next few days were a blur. I still went to school, was aiming for perfect attendance. I'm pretty sure I've told this story here before, so if I have, sorry for repeating it.

My grandma who died in 2006. My dad's mom. She lost her husband, my grandpa in 1976. She lost her son, my dad in 1986. Holy cow it just hit me that it was less than 10 years between the 2. I so wish I could sit down and talk to her one more time. So many question I would love to ask her that I never did. The only reason I can think of for never asking her was fear. Why should I have been afraid of asking my grandma questions like "how did you move on after my dad died?" I would love to know how she did and maybe she never really did, she just learned to cope. That is one thing we have in common that I'm sure both of us would give anything to not have in common, having to bury a child. So many nights I have wanted to pick up the phone to call her and talk like we used to. I need to be able to talk to her again. I had plans to call her the night before she died and never did, I will regret that for the rest of my life. Lesson learned at the same time. Also if you love someone TELL THEM! Right now, not later, Right now. Even if you have to send it in a text or an email, let them know. There is no reason not to say "I Love You!" None whatsoever!!!

And last, my angel, my Dakota. I miss her crazy back bends that she would do that drove her papa crazy. I miss how when she would giggle her giggle it always looked like it started in her toes. She would curl her toes up and scrunch up her little legs and then just giggle. I miss that. She used to giggle the loudest when her brother would get in trouble. I wonder if she would have thought it was funny when Audrey gets in trouble? She'd have plenty to giggle about if she would have. I miss her incredible eyes. Those eyes that were as big as she was. And the eyelashes that went with them. CRAZY long!! So long that when her eyes were closed her lashes almost curled around enough to touch her eyelids. Her hair, so thick and full. Most of all, just her, I miss her like crazy. I would give anything to hold her one more time. I will never forget as long as I can remember things the night she passed away. I remember getting her ready for bed after her last feeding and thinking something wasn't right. I went in and woke Mark up and told him I was taking her to the hospital. I remember walking out of the house carrying her in her car seat and the drive to the hospital and feeling like I was never going to get there. I remember calling my mom and telling her I was taking her to the hospital. I called my grandparents, I called my aunt Shanon, and I called my grandma. I remember telling all of them to pray hard. I remember feeling so alone. I remember walking into the ER and telling the guy sitting at the desk that my baby was having trouble breathing. I remember him grabbing her car seat and running down the hall screaming "baby code, baby code." I remember handing a nurse my notebook full of all the information I had about Dakota and all her issues. I remember standing there for a while watching them work on her. Finally a nurse came and told me I should probably wait in the waiting room. I remember sitting there all alone. Seriously no one else was in there but me. Talk about time stopping. It SUCKED and still does. I remember a nurse finally coming down and telling me that they have done all they can and they will continue to keep trying if I want them too. I knew she was gone. I walked with the nurse back down to the room they had her in. I remember the doctor, a man old enough to be my grandpa turning to me with tears in his eyes telling me they didn't think there was anything more they could do for her, but that they would keep trying if I thought they should. I knew she was gone. I remember them removing all the wires and handing her to me. The last time I would ever get to hold my Kota. I remember them bringing me a phone so I could make phone calls. I called Mark and told him. I called my mom and told her she was gone. I remember her saying "I thought it would be a case of just needing some oxygen and she'd be fine." I remember calling my grandparents and my grandpa answering the phone and telling him that Dakota had died. I called my grandma in Seattle and told her she was gone. I think I called my aunt Shanon and told her. Those kind of phone calls suck to make. I hope none of you ever have to make a phone call like that. I remember Mark and D'Artanyan coming up to the hospital. Talk about something that hurts to do, try telling a 3 year old little boy that worships his baby sister that she has died. How do you tell a 3 year old what death is when you aren't even sure of it yourself? I remember him saying "the doctors will take the stuff of her and we can take her home." Oh sweet little boy how I wish that were true. I remember signing a lot of forms and finally making that long drive home by myself. I had a car seat in my car that was now empty. I walked in the house and knew I wasn't going to sleep. My mom and step-dad were on their way to Columbia. I remember talking to the organ donor center on the phone. I remember making a lot of decisions that no parent should ever have to make. I remember all of this like it was yesterday. I remember her service and D'Artanyan saying "Hey he said Dakota's name." "Hey, he said my name." I remember the songs we had played. I still break down when I hear those songs. There is one song that wasn't around at the time, that had it been we would have had it played. It's "Angel" by Beverley Mitchell. If you haven't heard this song, look it up. She played Lucy on 7th Heaven and sang it in an episode. Whenever I miss Dakota extra I play this song. Yes it makes me cry like crazy, but I love it.

One of my favorite pictures of her. Check out those big baby blues and the eyelashes that go with them.

If you made it through all of that, thank you and I'm sorry. I feel a little better for getting it all out. I hope to be back Saturday with something I had plans to do on Friday. Also an update on my Make it Monday list.

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