We all have struggles in life, some more than others or so it seems. One of my struggles has been and still is my weight. It is something I have struggled with pretty much for as long as I can remember. I was always the fat girl in the group of friends. I'm sure I was more aware or cared more about it than my friends did because through high school I had some amazing friends and am still friends with most of them. But I was still the fat girl, the one all my pretty friends would call when they got in a fight with their boyfriend because they knew I was "a great listener." I could always make them feel better. As soon as I was done talking to them I usually did one of two things. 1. Cry or 2. Eat. It's funny that that's what I still do. Usually in that order still. Every new year I made a resolution that I would lose weight. I usually did great for the first month or so and then like always I felt I wasn't losing fast enough and so I would give up. Every summer I would tell myself when school started then next fall I would be skinnier. Always started the same size or a size bigger. I dreaded going back to school shopping and still am not a fan of clothes shopping because nothing fits. I spent most Friday and Saturday nights at home or working because I never had a date. I had lots of friends that were male, but not many "boy friends", guys preferred to hang out with me because I was a huge sports fan and they could talk sports with me and I knew what I was talking about. I was a great break from their girl friends who didn't know sports like I did. Yay, that made me feel good. I figured I would just always be single and while I'm not single anymore, I still struggle with the same feelings I always have. Not good enough, not worth caring about myself enough to take care of myself.
So what started this post tonight? Biggest Loser. This is the first season we have ever watched. Tonight watching Drea talk to Bob about how she felt, all I could think is "That's Me!!" I never wanted to get to close to people because I didn't feel I deserved it. I've always felt like I didn't deserve to be loved. I know it shouldn't be based on appearance, but let's fact it looks are a HUGE thing in our society.
My struggles with my weight spill over into other areas of my life as well. I feel bad about showing things I've created because I never feel like they are good enough. I feel extremely embarrassed when someone complements me on something as well. I know I shouldn't but, it is a HUGE struggle for me.
I know I have some things from my past that make this struggle even harder. Losing my dad when I was 9 years old is something I still struggle with to this day. I still feel some I don't know what kind of feelings towards my mom about the fact that she didn't wake me up the night before he died when the hospital called to let her know he was really struggling. I was awake, but didn't let her know because I didn't know what the phone call was about. I just remember waking up the next day and my aunt being at my house. Why I haven't told her I don't know. It's not like she'd be mad at me. I think it all goes back to confidence. I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this blog, so I'm pretty safe saying it here. In fact this is the first time I've said it to anyone other than in my head or in a journal.
So this was a lot of writing and if you are still with me, bless you. I know it's more of a down post than I'd like this blog to be, but it is life and life is about ups and downs and most of life's things play a roll in our passions in some way. Also some of it was just a need to get it out. Maybe it will help one of you with a struggle in your life. Sometimes it's nice to know that someone else in life is struggling just the same as we are.