My Daddy

24 years....24 years ago my daddy passed away. I will never forgot the day. I was only 9 years old, but I will never forget. Oh how I wish I could. I remember waking up that morning and my Aunt Dawn being there. She said my mom was at the hospital and that my grandma(my dad's mom) and my grandma and grandpa(my mom's parents) were coming. I went to school and all was well. Came home and my mom wasn't there. She finally came home and took me in the house and sat down on the couch and told me and Wadsie(our dog) that dad had gone to heaven to be with Grandpa Duffy(his dad). I don't remember crying. I remember going to the funeral home to see him. I remember the funeral, "Take me Out to the Ballgame" was played at the end. I remember going back to the grave site later that day and my mom and aunts cracking up. I remember the people being at our house. I remember the food, omg! the food was unreal. I remember my daddy being buried in exactly what would have made him happy, his Kansas City Royals 1985 World Series T-Shirt and jeans.


found on flickr by WisDoc

My dad was a baseball FANATIC! He had dreams like most American boys do of being a professional baseball player, except that he wrote an article that was published in the paper about his dream. He was a Yankees fan, but that was when the Yankees weren't the Yankees they aren't today. He was a Royals fan. But most of all he was a baseball fan. He had this game that he made up that he would play with his baseball cards. He would sit in our living room, with his card table up, usually a bowl of radishes or some other veggie, a Tab pop(he was diabetic) and be watching a baseball game and playing his baseball game. I wish every single day that he could have experienced baseball today. With the Fantasy game, my mom would have been a baseball widow for sure. He would have been glued to ESPN, ESPN.com, and every other baseball site out there. I can only imagine the cell phone he would have had, I'm sure his ringtone would have been "Take me out to the Ballgame." His screen saver on his computer some baseball stadium. He would have switched cable companies if the one he subscribed to didn't offer the MLB Network. He would have loved every second of it. I wish he could have lived to see the Red Sox finally win a World Series, to see George Brett kiss home plate in his final home game, to see the wonder that is Albert Pujols, Zack Grienke, and even Derek Jeter. He would have hated the steroid mess, the 94 strike, a World Series game being suspended in the middle of a game because of weather, and I'm pretty sure the New York Yankees.

I am also pretty sure that at some point a family vacation would have involved a trip to Cooperstown to see the Hall of Fame, The Field of Dreams(for him it would have been Heaven), and a tour of the ESPN campus. He would have marveled at the shrines called stadiums today.

My dad had a passion for baseball like no one else. He handed it down to me, and I hope I'm handing it down to my son. To this day I can still stop and watch a baseball game, doesn't matter who's playing, if it involves 9 men on the field, with 3 bases, home plate, a bat and a ball I will watch. People complain about the game being too long, but for me I'm always sad to see it end. There is something magical to me about the game, the sound of the bat hitting the ball, the roar of the crowd as a guy stretches a double into a triple, a walk off home-run and just knowing that at any given time in the game anything can change. Baseball is one of the few sports where being down by 7 at the end of the game isn't a death sentence. One ball up the middle between the short stop and the 2nd baseman can change everything. In what other sport can a player have a "perfect game"?

Struggles

We all have struggles in life, some more than others or so it seems. One of my struggles has been and still is my weight. It is something I have struggled with pretty much for as long as I can remember. I was always the fat girl in the group of friends. I'm sure I was more aware or cared more about it than my friends did because through high school I had some amazing friends and am still friends with most of them. But I was still the fat girl, the one all my pretty friends would call when they got in a fight with their boyfriend because they knew I was "a great listener." I could always make them feel better. As soon as I was done talking to them I usually did one of two things. 1. Cry or 2. Eat. It's funny that that's what I still do. Usually in that order still. Every new year I made a resolution that I would lose weight. I usually did great for the first month or so and then like always I felt I wasn't losing fast enough and so I would give up. Every summer I would tell myself when school started then next fall I would be skinnier. Always started the same size or a size bigger. I dreaded going back to school shopping and still am not a fan of clothes shopping because nothing fits. I spent most Friday and Saturday nights at home or working because I never had a date. I had lots of friends that were male, but not many "boy friends", guys preferred to hang out with me because I was a huge sports fan and they could talk sports with me and I knew what I was talking about. I was a great break from their girl friends who didn't know sports like I did. Yay, that made me feel good. I figured I would just always be single and while I'm not single anymore, I still struggle with the same feelings I always have. Not good enough, not worth caring about myself enough to take care of myself.

So what started this post tonight? Biggest Loser. This is the first season we have ever watched. Tonight watching Drea talk to Bob about how she felt, all I could think is "That's Me!!" I never wanted to get to close to people because I didn't feel I deserved it. I've always felt like I didn't deserve to be loved. I know it shouldn't be based on appearance, but let's fact it looks are a HUGE thing in our society.

My struggles with my weight spill over into other areas of my life as well. I feel bad about showing things I've created because I never feel like they are good enough. I feel extremely embarrassed when someone complements me on something as well. I know I shouldn't but, it is a HUGE struggle for me.

I know I have some things from my past that make this struggle even harder. Losing my dad when I was 9 years old is something I still struggle with to this day. I still feel some I don't know what kind of feelings towards my mom about the fact that she didn't wake me up the night before he died when the hospital called to let her know he was really struggling. I was awake, but didn't let her know because I didn't know what the phone call was about. I just remember waking up the next day and my aunt being at my house. Why I haven't told her I don't know. It's not like she'd be mad at me. I think it all goes back to confidence. I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this blog, so I'm pretty safe saying it here. In fact this is the first time I've said it to anyone other than in my head or in a journal.

So this was a lot of writing and if you are still with me, bless you. I know it's more of a down post than I'd like this blog to be, but it is life and life is about ups and downs and most of life's things play a roll in our passions in some way. Also some of it was just a need to get it out. Maybe it will help one of you with a struggle in your life. Sometimes it's nice to know that someone else in life is struggling just the same as we are.

Pretty Pink Toes

Yes, I need a pedicure, but I really wanted to wear my flip flops today and with it being Spring Break for my kiddos, the chance to get a pedi look pretty slim. However, my pretty pink toes made me smile all day long. I also have fresh sheets on my bed that spent some time hanging outside on the clothes line before I put them on the bed. I'm so excited to actually be able to use my clothes line now that the weather is looking to be warmer.

My Angel

and how she inspires me.....

Today would have been her 6th birthday. 6 years has gone by in a flash, it was 5 years ago January 18th that she passed away. She was born with a multitude of problems, the biggest being her brain and how it failed to develop. She had Holoprosencephaly, which in a nut shell means her brain failed to divide into the two spheres our brains have. She also had a cleft lip and palate. We were told she would most likely never come home from the hospital, she did. For almost 10 months she was a part of our lives. She didn't grow much, only 7 lbs when she passed away. She was one of the few babies I know who almost wore out her newborn clothes. She had a head full of hair like you can't believe and never lost any of it. She also had eyelashes that most women pay big bucks for. The curled so far around they almost touched her eyelids. Despite her problems she fought and fought like crazy. Most babies with her condition spend time in the hospital, lots of time. Once she came home from the hospital 2 weeks after she was born she went once for an MRI and we were only there for a few hours and then she went again the night she passed away. She managed to pull her feeding tube out of her stomach a couple of times. Thankfully I was taught well by the nurses how to put it back in. She also did this crazy back bend thing that drove her Papa CRAZY!! She would be sitting in her bouncy seat and the next thing you knew she was no longer sitting up but trying her best to score a perfect 10 in the back bend event.



Dakota was adored by her big brother who still struggles greatly with the loss of his "Kota Baby Ree". She had this giggle that started in her toes and let me tell you it was the funniest thing in the world to see. She would curl up her toes and make a noise and then with each little giggle more of her body would curl up, until she looked like a little hedgehog all curled up. This would usually come as a result of her big brother getting in trouble. Didn't bother him one bit that she laughed when he got in trouble, he worshiped her. If anyone ever said anything about what was wrong with her, most of the time just inquiring he was quick to let them know that was his baby sister. She taught all of us how to live and love. She taught me that while I love taking pictures I need to be in the pictures as well. I only have 3 of just she and I and only a handful more of she and I with someone else. I have to had over the camera and let someone else capture me. She inspires me to tell more meaningful stories in my scrapbooks, not just the 5 W's. Which is really odd since I love to write, why I had such a hard time getting passed the basics is still puzzling to me. She inspires me daily to go after everything I want in life and if it changes that's okay too, as long as I'm always pursuing. Kota girl, mommy misses you every single day, that will never change. Your big brother thinks of you all the time and even though he is growing up and doesn't always want to show how he feels when it comes to you emotion always wins out.

Jar Openers

This isn't the type of post I will normally post, but it does involve passion in some ways. My grandfather makes these amazing jar openers. They mount under your cabinets by 2 very tiny screws(included), then you simply stick your jar up in it and twist. My grandmother who has horrible arthritis in her hands uses hers for everything. I am helping my grandpa sell them. They sell for $18.00+shipping. They make great gifts for newlyweds, graduates, new home, etc. My grandpa designed them when my grandma started having trouble with her hands and has since made more than he can count. He is always getting requests for more. My grandfather has a passion for woodworking. He is a major perfectionist when it comes to his wood. He sands until it is smooth as a baby's butt and then sands some more. He stains the openers and then adds his stamp to it. His passion shows in the quality of his work. The openers are made from quality wood, usually scraps he has left over from other projects. He inspires me to always go the extra step. When he was battling cancer a few years ago one thing he could not wait to be able to do was get back in his shop. As soon as he was feeling well enough he was back down in his shop, even if it meant simply picking stuff up and cleaning.




Works on most size jars from huge like pickle jars to small jars like olives and even smaller. Also works on 2ltr bottles, and bottles like soy sauce, vinegars, etc.

If interested in purchasing one, my email link is in the side bar.

Passion:a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm or desire for anything, according to dictionary.com. There are actually several definitions of passion, this one is just more what I think of when I think of passion.

I started this blog for myself and then spent some time thinking about what I wanted it to be about. I knew I wanted it to be about my passions, but I was struggling with the whole idea behind it still. Did I want it to be about scrapbooking, crafting, or what?? Then I read something my brother had posted as his status on his facebook page and for some reason what he posted, really spoke to me. He had "You've got to follow your passion. You've got to figure out what it is you love-who you really are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dreams." I don't know if it's a quote he got from somewhere or if he came up with it himself, but it really made me think. In fact I spent a good part of the night thinking about it and then it hit me, this can be about whatever I feel passionate about. This is my blog so there is no right or wrong as to what it's about.

This won't be just about my passions, but other peoples as well and also finding your passions. I'm really excited about starting on this journey.

Found on WeHeartIt

Baseball is just one of many passions I have and as the season is just around the corner I'm sure I will be posting more about this passion soon.

One Word

So Ali Edwards started the "One Little Word" project a few years ago and I've tried to do it the last few years and failed miserably. This year I choose the word "Focus"(seems to go pretty good with the fact I've failed the last few years) for my word this year. In part with that I've decided that I'm going to "Focus" on another "one word" for each month. This will be an area I want to work on in our lives. For February my word is "simplify". We need to do some serious decluttering in our lives. We moved in November to a smaller place and did some decluttering at that time, but we still have a long ways to go. I want to simplify my computer as well. I have so much junk delivered to my email each day that I never read and need to just unsubscribe.

I'm also hoping to update this a little more this month. I'm busy preparing for a craft fair(my first ever!) so that will be my "focus" for this week.